She Isn't.

 In the autumn of 2023, I went through the worst breakup of my life.

This article contains harsh/vulgar language in some direct quotations.

It was devastating. She was the most beautiful, kind, funny, and relatable woman I had ever met. We connected instantly. I loved sitting on the shore with her late into the night, discussing who knows what. Those who follow my defunct Twitter account would be able to follow a paper trail back 5 years or so with all the characteristics of the woman I'd want to be with forever. She checked off all the boxes.

Then it ended. I didn't do anything wrong, she told me. She was concerned about distance, since I live in Nebraska for 70% of the year and was returning there soon. We had plans that I would leave Nebraska for good in a matter of weeks to be with her, but her therapist convinced her that it wasn't worth the wait. 

I questioned a lot of things in my life after that. I worked hard to persuade myself that she really loved me after all, but I never succeeded in that persuasion. Like many people going through similar situations, I found solace in music.

La Dispute. At The Drive-In. Deafheaven. Paramore. 

One song that I had loved for years started to take on an... unfortunate... new meaning.

Kid Cudi's 2016 album Passion, Pain & Demon Slayin', which I have previously praised on this site as "a good album," is more than a good album. Every sound on this album is perfect. The songs are sharp, dancy, and emotional. The resignation of "Frequency," the pain of "Swim In The Light," the beauty of "Releaser," the groove of "By Design," it's all so real. And those are just the first four tracks of the nineteen. I didn't even start on "Rose Golden," "Baptized in Fire," "Wounds," "Kitchen," "The Guide," or "Surfin'." I have listened to PP&DS over a hundred times, if I were to make a conservative estimate. I love Kid Cudi and I love this album.

But in the wake of a breakup, the song "Distant Fantasies" no longer held up.

This is the vulgar language I was talking about earlier.

This is not an uncommon thought process after a breakup. "She probably still misses me." "She may be with someone else, but she really wishes she was with me." "She would get back with me if she weren't in a pity relationship with some other guy much weaker than me." If you look at the YouTube comments on the official upload, it's not hard to find comments that agree with this song's theme.

Around the same time, surprise surprise, another song with the same message starts blowing up. Morgan Wallen's "Thinkin' Bout Me" peaked in the Billboard top 10 in mid-October 2023.

The comments on "Thinkin' Bout Me" are not so commonly depressed, or "blackpilled," as the kids these days say. When they are, though, they are far darker than those on "Distant Fantasies." It's kind of unbelievable. I won't even share any of those comments here because I'd feel uncomfortable doing so.

These types of thoughts are imprisoning. They lock you into a finite set of past memories that gets flanderized in your mind. These good memories that you hold onto are true, and it is perfectly alright, even normal, to reflect on those memories fondly. It's even normal to miss those times with a person you really care about. Letting art speak to your experiences is healthy as well. It can remind you that you are not alone in your experiences and provide a hope that life will get better. This idea is so clearly coded in my review of High Fidelity (2000) dir. John Cusack from earlier this year.

"Do I deserve happiness after the way I've treated people in my past?"

Grappling with the situation you're in is common in any breakup. Frequent reflection is good. Where these songs cross the line is that they are not reflecting on reality; they are projecting a desire.

What is the end-goal of these songs? Why does anyone sing along to them, share them, or play them on repeat? Why did the artist even write it in the first place? Is he hoping that his ex-girlfriend would leave their men to get back together with them? Then you have a girlfriend with no commitment who will leave whenever a new, exciting option presents itself. There's no loyalty there. Are they hoping that she would cheat on their man with them? Then you're dating a woman who's willing to cheat. The whole mindset is constructed on the idea that, "I'm so awesome, there's no possible reason anyone could dislike me." An idea that can't hold up to scrutiny for a man who is honest with himself.

"I bet she's thinking about me." She isn't. She left you. You miss her because you wouldn't leave her. She doesn't miss you, which is why she did. You reflect so positively on her because you focus on all the good times you have had with her. She remembers all the times you hurt her or put your needs above her. We need to be willing to reflect on ourselves accurately. Coping and coming up with false narratives in our heads (and our songs) does not do anyone any good. It protects us from the reality that we are flawed people. It paints your ex-girlfriend as a fool who cannot judge her feelings for herself, so you must do it for her. It is not healthy.

The best thing to keep in mind is that it's over. You shouldn't keep flirting with your ex-girlfriend, pestering her about another relationship. It's unhealthy. But just because the relationship is over, it doesn't mean that your life is too. As much as it may feel like it for a long time. As Joseph says in Genesis 50:20a (ESV), "As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good." And as the Psalmist writes in Psalm 119:71 (ESV), "It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn your statutes." Whether the breakup was amicable or messy, it's common to be upset or even depressed. We must remember that God will get us through the pain. 

Because of God's mercy, we can be honest with our situation. We know the τέλος of our life is not to marry one person (although that may be a part of it)- it's to love God and serve others. We can live in humility. We are not so awesome that nobody has any reason to dislike us; we know that God is so awesome that he loves us even though he has every reason to dislike us. And he gives us what we need, even if it is far from what we want.

Trust in God. Don't trust in your own desires. We can trust that the all-knowing light of the world understands our pain and loves us anyway. Don't lie to yourself by listening to silly, misogynistic songs and project them onto your ex-girlfriend. It doesn't do you any good. Jesus is king.