My Diagnosis

We should have seen the signs.

This post is sponsored by Bud Light.

Recently I've been seeing a psychiatrist about issues I've been struggling with for many years. It was scary to make that step, but it needed to happen. I've destroyed many relationships - platonic, romantic, professional - all because of problems I've been suffering from since high school. At the advice of my best friend Rylee, who has supported me since the early days, I decided to look into a professional diagnosis.

 

The first appointment was frightening. I scrunched myself into a ball on Dr. Jessica's soft sofa, wishing I had a blanket to cover myself with. I opened up to a stranger about my trauma, confusion, and fears. It was over rather quickly, but it felt like being asked to give a sermon you didn't prep for. When the diagnosis came in, it all made sense. I was diagnosed with the Woke Mind Virus.

It should have been clear from the start. I have long, curly hair. I paint my toes with pink and purple glitter. I listen to woke music from artists such as Olivia Rodrigo (teenage girl), An Unkindness (gay), and Swans (leftist). My name is Keri. After Keri Hilson! A black woman! Of color! See how Holly Johnson named himself after a trans woman. The signs were all there. I've been woke the whole time.

What is Woke Mind Virus?

Woke Mind Virus (WMV) is a condition discovered by billionaire entrepreneur Elon Musk in 2021. It is described as "a condition which occurs when one cares most for people who know not they exist." Those suffering from Woke Mind Virus often care more for the environment, immigrants, and public safety. All Woke Mind Virus victims have high regard for people different from themselves, although some will develop a sense of self-hatred in severe cases. In America, many suffering from Woke Mind Virus are white, financially stable men and women aged 15-25; therefore, Woke Mind Virus often results in great concern for people of color, poor people, non-cisgender people, and other minorities worldwide.

Those suffering from Woke Mind Virus would care that Squidward is homeless.

Common symptoms of Woke Mind Virus include publicly stating one or more of the following beliefs:

1) We should help the poor.

2) People from other countries are still people.

3) Police should not kill people.

4) We should take care of the earth.

5) It might be wise to leave a good place for our children.

6) Woman. 

How does it develop?

Like other viruses, Woke Mind Virus is spread by contact with infected peoples. Places where people live in close proximity are breeding grounds for the Woke Mind Virus. Such examples include city apartment complexes and college campuses. The virus does not spread quickly; it almost always requires repeated exposure to catch it. Symptoms develop slowly and subtly, making it hard to detect the virus early. Signs are not physically prevalent in most cases, so paying attention to one's speech is vital to determining if they are developing Woke Mind Virus.

Woke people are more likely to meet others on their level.

Can we prevent it?

Woke Mind Virus is preventable in various ways. One common way to prevent the spread of Woke Mind Virus is to listen to modern-day philosophers such as Tim Pool, Ben Shapiro, Lauren Chen, Dave Rubin, and Rucka Rucka Ali. Introduce them to your friends. Play them over a Bluetooth speaker when you go to the beach or the mall. Make sure their podcasts are playing from your car stereo at 105dB when the lady in the Dairy Queen drive thru tries to hand you your Misty Freeze. These pundits provide a simple, yet effective way to make sure your friends and coworkers don't go woke.

Another common way to prevent Woke Mind Virus is by following Dr. Jordan B. Peterson's 12 Rules For Life. Basic habits like cleaning your room, refusing to lie, watching kids skateboard, and petting cats form you into the type of person able to defend against the strongest cases of Woke Mind Virus.

How do we cure it?

Like all viruses, Woke Mind Virus has no cure. The immune system must fight it off. No antibiotic will help. Your best bet is steroids. The issue is, how do you convince someone with Woke Mind Virus to take it? Part of Woke Mind Virus is that there are not physical symptoms; most people suffering from it do not even know they have it. If your loved ones are exhibiting symptoms of Woke Mind Virus, please show them Episode 1 of anti-woke Flash comedy The New Norm. Conservative comedy is the #1 way to make victims acutely aware of their suffering.

So what's next?

Sadly, Woke Mind Virus is fatal. I have been given just a few short decades left to live. Fortunately, I am currently writing a paper on how the church responds to terminal illness. In AIDS: A Christian Response, author Howard E. Mueller writes, "AIDS brings home the awful truth that we are mortals; faith accepts that reality but rejoices in a greater truth. The greater truth is the resurrection of Jesus Christ." Woke Mind Virus may not be as serious or deadly as AIDS, but its end result is frightening nonetheless. I pray that, even with my diagnosis, my family and loved ones will continue to stand by me. I could not do what I do without so many people. I am thankful for them every day. Even in my sickness, God is with me.