Curious George Dead from Home Invasion, Shooting

Photo used with the permission of Joel Haver

NEW YORK, N.Y. (Keri News) - Actor-turned-politician Curious George has been shot and killed by two armed men who allegedly broke into George's New York City mansion on the morning of Sept. 26, 2024.

George had been sitting in his living room eating bananas when a bullet from an armed gunman entered his stomach through the side of his abdomen. George attempted to call 911, but was unable to speak due to being a monkey. First responders arrived at the home to find George unconscious in a puddle of blood. George was then flown to Mayo Clinic in Rochester, M.N., where he was declared dead at 1:28 P.M. Three other non-fatal bullet wounds were discovered on George's person by Mayo Clinic doctors. Coroners are unsure if the non-fatal wounds were sustained before or after George was fatally shot in the stomach.

Authorities on the scene are currently investigating the incident, looking for evidence of who might have shot George or why. New York Police Department Deputy Cade Pflughoeft told Keri News, "These intruders thought everything through. They left almost no trace of DNA, and avoided security cameras while they were on the property." NYPD has no leads at the time of publishing.

Those close to George believe the shooting was political in nature. "Well, a lot of people accused George of stealing votes from [President Donald] Trump in 2020, and they didn't want it to happen again," said Ted, George's primary caretaker; "It's just sad to see my country vote with bullets instead of ballots."

Curious George's campaign manager Clovis encourages George's supporters not to be afraid. "While we mourn the loss of our friend Curious George, his ideas live on through our community of supporters. At this juncture, we can only pray that this nation would heal from this awful tragedy." Clovis went on to encourage George's supporters not to despair. "Let us not be blackpilled. It's not what George would have wanted."

A funeral for Curious George will be held on Oct. 9, at 10:00 A.M. in the Graebner Memorial Chapel of George's alma mater, Concordia St. Paul in St. Paul, M.N.

When Harry Met Sally Movie Review

 

A review of When Harry Met Sally (1989) dir. Rob Reiner.

When I watch rom-com movies, I often see myself in the main character. See my review of High Fidelity (2000) dir. John Cusack for a prime example. But when my buddy Gabe showed me his favorite rom-com, I didn't see myself in Billy Crystal. However, I did see my ex-girlfriend very clearly behind the character of Sally. She's naive and fun, with a veil of professionalism over a frame that is anything but. Seeing her sad made me sad. What does this mean for my feelings toward Sally? The movie's theme focuses on the idea that men and women can never, in a vacuum, truly be just friends; with that in mind, I don't think relating the movie to my personal experience is a wise idea anymore.

The movie is pretty entertaining, but nothing blew me away. The scene where Harry explains his divorce to his friend at the stadium ruined the pacing and didn't impact the story much. Expo dump. Sad that Sally's ex got engaged. There's a dialogue section that reminds me of Kid Cudi's song "The Guide," which is a fantastic song. If you know the song and the movie, you'll know what I mean. Also a pretty gross scene in this one restaurant. This movie is not for kids.

6/10, I'm never stepping foot in Wisconsin again.

My Diagnosis

We should have seen the signs.

This post is sponsored by Bud Light.

Recently I've been seeing a psychiatrist about issues I've been struggling with for many years. It was scary to make that step, but it needed to happen. I've destroyed many relationships - platonic, romantic, professional - all because of problems I've been suffering from since high school. At the advice of my best friend Rylee, who has supported me since the early days, I decided to look into a professional diagnosis.

Why I'm Not Voting for Harris-Walz

Ahh, election season once again. Time to get controversial.

So um, here's the thing. I hate Trump. He embarrasses me every day. He makes us look like backwards idiots. And frankly the fact that he got elected means that we probably are all backwards idiots. Um, he's ruining people's lives, he's making horrible racist decisions which are probably going to have long-lasting repercussions long after he's out of office. Overall I would be a much happier person if we found a way to deport him from every position of power that he has ever had. 

But I'm not voting for abortionists, and claiming that abortion protects women is a very shallow way to look at it, to say the least. Republicans may have chosen literally the least likable candidate they could find, all for the lulz, but the Democrats are wicked. And as it turns out, that's not even the worst part.

Gov. Walz is bad at Crazy Taxi.

I'm a Minnesotan through and through. I may live in Nebraska, but I spent the first 20 years of my life in Minnesota. I love the Minnesota Vikings. I love lefse. I love going to the lake. I love saying "Doncha kno." However, I am not a fan of Gov. Walz.

Stupid flag council should have picked this one from DeviantArt Tieger131

I respect him for being one of the few politicians who acknowledges that teachers exist, and thinks they are valuable to society. I want him out for his abortion policies. (Do you think I'm a single-issue voter yet?) But this is the final straw.

He probably did own a Sega Dreamcast back in the day, 25 years ago. He probably did play Crazy Taxi. But his skills do not show it. He overshoots the first stop by a long way, and I don't think he knows about the brake. I doubt he has any memory of the Crazy Box, if he played through it. Because he could have done a crazy stop to stop in a second. It's okay. The Crazy Taxi passengers don't believe in whiplash. In fact, they pay you better.

Walz drives really slow. I think he might not be pressing the analog trigger down far enough? I'm not sure what port he is playing, so I don't know what controller he's on. (I know it's not the Dreamcast port, because the soundtrack is different. Probably Xbox 360 or Steam.) If he had played Crazy Box mode, he might have learned about the crazy boost. It would have really helped him out.

His weaving skills are weak. The name of the game when it comes to driving in oncoming traffic is to make very slight adjustments on the analog stick so you can get through with as little movement as possible. Massive adjustments in velocity just make you a bigger target. But he doesn't make slight adjustments. I'm starting to wonder if he's playing on keyboard and mouse.

And finally, he loses a passenger really early into the game. Losing a passenger is not super uncommon, because the downtown area, with the multitude of intersections and similar-looking buildings, can screw you over. But this is only 2 minutes or so past the start of the game. It's because of the reasons above. He doesn't know how to brake, or at least not effectively. He drives slow for some reason. His weaving skills are unrefined at best. He's not good at the game.

What controller is he holding?

It's funny. AOC said something along the lines of, "Nobody watching can say you haven't played a Dreamcast." I think Gov. Walz probably did play Crazy Taxi on Dreamcast, but I would not argue if you don't believe him. His skills are weak. You might as well pretend that it's your first time if you're gonna be that bad on stream.

Is this the type of man we want in our federal government? I say nay. If you vote for Harris-Walz, I won't automatically be upset with you. I don't think that way. But if you vote for them because of Walz' Crazy Taxi skills, you're off your rocker.

I miss Jesse Ventura. We should re-elect him as governor. What a time that would be.